Written in the early evening of Saturday, March 20th, 1999...
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It's been almost six months since that party where I barfed all over, making a complete fool of myself. It's been almost six months since I met my now ex-boyfriend at that party.
No, I'm not counting down the days since I first met him. I just noticed it today. We haven't seen each other in well over three weeks and we'll probably end up bumping into each other tonight. Normally I wouldn't think about it as much as I'm thinking about it right now. Here's what's different. I'm going to a party tonight. I just now found out he's probably going to be there. For these past few weeks I've had opportunities to see him, but have purposely made myself unavailable. Now I'm committed to this party where a few of the guys I've been dating are going to be, and my ex will show as well. None of that sounds significant. It shouldn't be. It isn't. It's just that the place of the party is also where we first met. Talk about a cute little stroll down memory lane, eh? Right now the situation is this. I'm seeing other people and I even have a few significantly deep feelings for one of them. My ex hates me. From the way he's acted around me I can tell he'd never be happier than if I were to move far away and never be seen again. Because he hates me so much now and because I still care about him, I've been avoiding him. I really do believe I'm over him. It just hurts badly that he feels that way about me... that he can go from loving me to hating me so quickly. The second he saw me with someone else, we permanently changed towards each other. Well, I didn't. He did. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me at all... if it was just some sort of myth he created in his head. If I get drunk enough tonight, maybe I'll ask. I doubt it, though. It's not my right to ask. It's not my right to know. It would probably only hurt him more. This is all really stupid, I know. It's like I'm back in high school all over again. I always knew I'd never grow up. Actually, I think that because I wasn't allowed to be a funloving teenager, I grew up then, but now I'm reverting or something. It doesn't make sense, but neither do I. Another chronic fault: I never let well enough alone. |